I’m everywhere, all the time… when I say “I love you.” It’s like a sweet melody to the recipient. When I show someone how much they mean to me, they feel truly seen.
So it makes me ponder… if YOU “love” me. Then where the fuck are you? Especially during a time like this, when I need someone too…
I’ve grown so very accustomed to being surrounded by people and love, yet feeling so ever lonely and unloved. I feel that I’m not understood, it’s like I’m invisible… again. I know how to lurk in the shadows by now though. It’s like a game really.
I’ve gotten so close at times, then it’s always always removed from my path. I honestly couldn’t tell ya WHY! I don’t know what I did, or where I went wrong. I just know that it hurts a whole hell of a lot, but despite it all I still love wildly and unconditionally with an open heart and arms. I would much rather be the one to experience such a deep aching than to have anyone else have to go through an iota of what I have. If I can take the pain away from another, then I will. What it’ll do to me? So be it. I can handle A LOT.
As for my own pain….
I’m used to it.
The loneliness, the lack of love, being misunderstood, never reallyy chosen, certainly not a priority, always trying to use me, under appreciated, hit after hit, abandoned repeatedly, highly neglected.
Yeah… I’m acclimated to it.
I’m starting to wonder if I would even know how to be truly loved…
What if my heart is so broken and bruised that it can’t?
Is that possible?
I suppose anything is, right?
I just don’t want to be the one to bleed on someone who never dealt me a blow… I don’t wanna scare or hurt you either… I’m worried I’d be too heavy and break your bones or much worse your heart in any way, shape, or form. That’s why I can never fully relax. No one has ever been able to hold me like that. I’m so very heavy and it frightens people. The dark that I thrive in terrifies and I’m too selfless to allow someone to tremble next to me there. I’d rather sit alone. My heart is so fiery I’m scared if I let it loose completely… she’ll burn you. My intellect is constantly pushing bounds and I would hate for you to get annoyed, bored, or insecure if I were to reallyy share my findings. My spirit is so ancient and vast it wouldn’t surprise me if you found it too much or become scared if I were to explain all the things I’m capable of. I worry that you would drown in the tears I shed, not often but when I do…
If those around me can’t properly then what makes me think that someone outside of that would? Honestly Kristie🙄 Who could.