Those who often show the most love, very much so receive the smallest amount in return. Nothing is ever expected though to be returned, it’s just such a nice surprise when even a fraction is reflected back to you. I begin to wonder what I must've done or maybe didn’t do to deserve or cause such an imbalance in love. I’ve always cared so deeply and loved so fiercely, I make time DESPITE ANYTHING. I don’t allow for excuses, I ALWAYS respond back whether it be a text, call, a hug, a gentle hand pat… I ALWAYS respond… it really doesn’t take much to do that. It takes very little time to fucking RESPOND. Literally say anything! Say everything if you want to! I check in with everyone whenever I think of them, just in case they’re in need of a shoulder, or want someone to just talk to, or ya never know when/who might be in dire need of some love. I’m patient, and wait for everyone to reach back in their own time. When they’re ready, cause I understand. I always make sure that no one feels alone cause I know alllllll too well exactly what that’s like. I hold people’s hands through their darkest hours, and help them reach the light but even then I NEVER let go. I hold people together when they cry and are falling to pieces. I help figure out TOGETHER where every last puzzle piece fits. I listen when others ignore. I’ll come flying in so quickly when I’m needed, it’ll give whiplash. I think about all my loved ones, everyday, all the time. I consider how/if they may have changed, and wonder if they still enjoy their favorite things or if that’s changed too. If so, I find out so later on I can gift them thoughtful things when the time is right ofc. I always take care of me first because if not HOW would I be able to carry others when they need it most if I’m not ok first? Iiiiiiiii LOVE ME, I take care of me always, I support myself in every which way, I believe in ME THE MOST, I regulate my own emotions, I have full on debates with myself in my head all the time from all kinds of different perspectives, I nourish my curiosity with research, I maintain peace for my own soul, I create to express myself so that not only do I understand me on new and different levels but also with the hope that maybe someday somebody else might too, I speak to my own heart as she breaks, I hold myself the tightest possible should the tears fall, I am and always have been my own damn savior and mightiest warrior, when shit gets tough THE FIRST face that I see anywhere and everywhere be it spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically belongs to no other. I am everyone’s safe space including my own, I AM stability and help others achieve their own too in life, I MAKE OTHERS feel so safe and completely secure despite anything I have going on, I honestly don’t think I know what being selfish is anymore. I know for a fact that I don’t know what “safe” FEELS like?… Everyone confides in ME and it’s always been that way, I’ve never minded. They all WANT to be my deepest and truest confidant right? Who’s actually fucking TRYING though? WHY do I ALWAYS have to be the one to initiate? Why doesn’t anybody seem to have basic fucking decency to check in on ME for a complete and utter change and not just the few times when shit had already beyond hit the fan? Even then, I was responsible for not ONLY MY healing but everybody else too. If I happen to cry, it must be stifled and NEVER in front of others. Wouldn’t want anybody to worry, or feel like they can’t come to me whenever they need to. I don’t ever want anyone to think even for a second that I’m too busy for them in any capacity no matter what I have going on. I’m always ready and willing to help when it counts most. I don’t treat myself like shit either though, the world has done enough of that. As I’ve said before; just as much as I’ve got you… I’VE got me too. If I can love another so much, imagine what MY SELF LOVE is like. A beautiful thought really…
I suppose maybe in addition to being incredibly heavy for others, I might just also be very difficult to love deeply.
I know I am surrounded by love and care, I feel as much too. In no way am I trying to bash that and I’m forever grateful… it just seems to me though, that… if such is so true… why is it seldomly SHOWN to ME? As I’ve said before, actions are indeed important just like your words are. I’m gonna quote my own damn beautiful words here now; “words are the guiding light of thought that happen prior to an action ever being taken.” So tell me this then… back in the day WHEN I USED to reach out in my time of need in every different which way… what do you think I was told WHENN I was cast aside, intentionally ignored, ghosted after I would open up a SMIDGE, calls/texts were never even picked up, plans always fell through somehow, help was never to be found, solace was but a dream, a safe space never existed until I was the one to create it, god forbid I cry cause I would be laughed at and mocked damn near every single time, then on the opposite end I could NEVER show anger cause it did and still does scare the absolute living shit out of people, my writing was left unread and even now who the fuck knows, my art was never truly felt or seen and fuck if I know now cause no one ever cares to let me in on that, my mind was never understood and even now isn’t THOROUGHLY to the core of it, my voice was always so quiet cause no one was fucking listening anyways so why exert unnecessary energy? I’ve been asked “Why didn’t you tell anyone or everyone?” My response is always the same: “No one ever asked or has asked…” The people’s response?… ALWAYS this: “I didn’t know I HAD to ask?”
You NEVER HAVE to ask. It’d sure be fucking nice though if someone genuinely and wholeheartedly did though, right?
At one point in time I had that, I experienced two who would always check in on me and would always ask in their own ways… I thought finally! My best friend💛🦋 and my dude at the time💚🛹 Right. Sooo yeAH they were BOTH taken from me and that felt really fucking great.
Now after everything people wonder WHY I am the way that I be…
Asking me to lower my guard is equivalent to telling a mountain to lay down for a change…
I fucking. Don’t. Know. HOW.
…I’m just difficult to love I suppose, and incredibly heavy… A mountain has never been held and the only kiss upon its lips have been that of rain.
I’ve made my peace with this.