I’m so heavy…To a lot of other people.
I’ve always been the one to carry because I’ve always been strong enough to. So if I can, I will. That’s just my nature.
You go through things and come out the other end every time. People start to take notice and wonder how you do it. They ask questions they THINK they wanna know… but they never truly do. Or maybe they did genuinely wanna know more, but found instead they couldn’t handle it. Thats ok. I’ve learned over the years that I am very heavy for so many people. Others always share things with me with literally no boundaries in sight but then when it’s my turn to share just even a TIP of the ice berg I’ve found that they cry for me. I think that’s a beautiful thing, especially for those who have shed tears for me when I couldn’t do that myself. I appreciate them and I still love them, but it definitely sucks when sharing literally JUST YOURSELF makes someone cry or scares the living shit out of them. Like dawg that’s literally nothing to me and this is the reaction already? It makes you wonder if ever the day will come where you can bear it all to someone and not only have them understand you so intimately but to ride the waves WITH you. To cry at the parts that you actually need to cry at, to laugh when you make insanely dark and twisted jokes about your trauma, to feel the beautiful and cute memories alongside you without jealousy, to be absolutely silent too when you grow quiet at certain parts, and to fucking know EXACTLY WHEN to wrap you up in their arms and just keep you there until the end of absolute fucking time itself. Not only all of that, but to then also ALLOW YOU to do the same things for them. Then all the while, you both reflect and talk about everything and have new revelations together. Things you may not have come to think of without the other’s perspective. You learn so much more together, grow in unison, and do even better than before…You could never scare each other with your respective darkness either. No, Instead your demons take hands and play nicely together for once in a lifetime. It’s easy for people to hold your hand and embrace you when you’re in your seat of light… but for someone to come along and truly embrace my full demon side… to hold my hand when I’m sitting in my absolute dark… I have yet to witness.
