I remembered a time in my life when I was very unhappy. It doesn’t matter WHEN it just matters that it happened. It wasn’t the first and probably not the last either because life is a crazy, weird wonderful, ride that has ups and downs everywhere. Anyways I just saw a video that I watched over again so many times and I can’t tell ya why exactly. I just… it felt right to. We’ll leave it at that for now. Idk I just really sat there with this guy’s video and felt a lot of things, head empty. Eventually tho my mind got to moving too so here we are. So I started thinking about one of my lowest points in life, and how far I’ve traveled from then to now. I thought about the journey here and I remembered asking myself in that dark moment “why the fuck am I so unhappy man?” And immediately I answered myself with: “Because you’re not doing what you love anymore.” And that shit hit me DEEP that night and to this day it still kinda gives me chills because that thought right there changed everything for me. Of course there would still be a series of choices, moments, struggles, experiences, etc. and those are just as important. That moment though was a catalyst for all of the fore mentioned change, and without having reflected like that I wouldn’t have actually taken the initiative to BEGIN to set off these other chain of events in my life. So from that thought I went “OH SHIT. You’re right…” and THAT’S when I cried… I let every last tear that wanted to come out that night spill forth and bring along friends if it had them. I held myself SO tightly, I could’ve pulled my own damn arms off if I had wanted to, and apologized to myself for not creating art anymore, for forgetting my own true passion, for letting myself fall so far and hard, for not being stronger, for pushing people and love away, for doing harmful shit to my own self, for losing sight of my light completely, for letting my heart grow cold as ice again, for snuffing out my own heart’s fire, and for not fueling my soul’s hearth. I felt like a complete and utter piece of shit. Then I heard my spirit guide say this to me: “Good. Now you must FORGIVE.” So I started out small…I wiped my own tears away gently, then I calmly regulated my breathing again. Next, I told myself this: “I forgive you for everything we have gone through up until this very point, not everything was in our control but we did what we could with the information that we had at the time. We’ve learned better so now we must BE better. It’s gonna be a lot of work, the road is not an easy one, but just as quickly as everything came shattering down, we can begin to build again. We start a new, and now CHOOSE to be different than before.” I gave myself a gentle but firm hug and then held my own hands together and could feel the blood pumping between them. I heard a gentle whisper: “THAT’S purpose.”
Then I asked myself: “Sooo… what ignites your soul? What do you LOVE to do?” Immediately my answer was Art. In its many different forms. Painting, drawing, random crafting, music, and writing. These are all things I’ve always loved to immerse my soul in. If you can’t immediately think of anything yourself, that’s ok. Let’s just think back a bit further for you… What did you love doing as a kid? Back before the world corrupted your innocence, what kinds of things was your soul first drawn to? It can be anything really. Even if it seems small or insignificant, run with it a bit and see where it takes you. For me, it’s always been nature. Ever since I could remember I’ve loved being under the stars in the sky and watching how they twinkle against the pitch black, I always felt at home being completely immersed in water, whenever the wind would caress my face I’d take a deep breath in and let it fill my lungs, I would always stop to smell flowers and admire their beauty, I have always noticed how the sunlight dances through such green leaves in the trees, whenever lightning and thunderstorms would hit I never felt scared but instead excited and wanted to watch the show, I always made snow angels as a kid and would just lay there for moments after, when it rained I’d open my mouth to catch a few drops on my tongue while I spun around in it, since the dawn of my time I have loved animals too. All of these things may not seem like big things but trust me they are. The things we used to do as kids can sometimes also be the road map to our souls. Remembering our innocent selves like this is like a blueprint we never knew we had until we really needed it most. This world tries to squash all of that down and pull you even further away, make ya think there’s something wrong with it all too when in truth, the only thing that is wrong is the fear that becomes instilled in us to be our authentic, true selves, and to really feel deeply with every ounce of our being. Too much love has been shamed and trampled on in this world when instead it should be genuinely felt and given so it can heal everyone.
If you’ve read this far, thank you my love for rockin with me through this one. Remember to allow yourself to receive love in its many forms, give love to not only yourself first, but to others as well because you never know who might need it most at any given moment. Just in case you haven’t heard it at all or maybe not enough today; I love you. You are beautiful and you’re doing better than you may think or feel at this moment. Keep taking baby steps, one day at a time, we’ve got this. Now take one deep mindful breath for me. Let it all go. So it can all now flow.☺️